Title: Truth and Consequence
Author: Cath
Rating: M (15+)
Spoilers: None.
Pairing: Helen/Karen, Helen/Nikki.
Word Count: 4409
A/N: This fic is a sequel to Desire, which is located here.

****

The night was cold and the heating in Helen's flat didn't seem to be working. She should have been asleep hours ago but couldn't quite get comfortable or warm enough. As she snuggled under the covers of her blankets, Helen realized how lonely she had become. How much she ached to share her bed with the one she loved. To touch her, kiss her, hold her into the night and wake up in the morning wrapped safely in her arms. She'd had that once, only once, and for that small period of time she was blissfully happy, happier than she could ever have imagined, but it had ended almost as quickly as it had begun, and it was by her own hand. If only she had gone along with Nikki's plan, they could have been off in San Francisco now, instead of Nikki being back behind the walls of Larkhall, and herself, alone, here in this cold and empty bed. "Shit," she muttered to herself, burying her head in her pillow.

The images of a few hours ago flashed so vividly in her head, replaying scene by scene, like it was out of a movie. "If only it was?" she thought to herself. A seemingly innocent night of after work drinks with Karen Betts had turned into a night of high emotions, mixed feelings and misread signals, which in turn, lead to somewhere Helen had never intended to go, not with another woman, and especially not while she was in a relationship. The last words Karen had said to her jokingly before she left rang out so loudly in her head - "Could you imagine the girls reactions on g-wing if they found out what happened, well almost happened tonight?". She sat up and covered her face with her hands. "What if Nikki finds out?" she thought, not that much passed kissing had eventuated, but still, she felt so guilty, she knew in Nikki's mind kissing was still cheating. She'd shared an intimate moment with another woman. "Oh God!" Helen started hyperventilating. "Small breaths...small breaths, it'll work out. It has to work out." she mumbled to herself. Maybe she should have told Karen that the woman she was seeing was Nikki, but then Karen would have a legal obligation to report her for taking advantage of an inmate. Home Office would be furious and Helen knew she would be sacked on the spot, no, she couldn't risk Karen finding out, if she did, her life would be in ruins. It was like a vicious circle of truth and consequence she was doomed to live with every day. Sleep just wouldn't be happening, not tonight anyway, so she just lay there with a million thoughts running through her mind, until the sun rose on a new day.

***

The art room had become their favorite meeting place. It was rarely used by cons and P.O's alike, so there was less chance of them getting caught together. Helen paced back and forth across the room. She felt nervous, anxious, excited, all rolled into one. Her heart was beating so fast she thought that at any second it would explode right out of her chest. The green door creaked open and Nikki peered inside, the smile on her face so wide when she fixated on Helen's form. Closing the door gently behind her she turned and swept Helen into her arms. Their mouths meshed together in a frenzy, tongues searching each other. "I missed you Helen," Nikki breathed into her.

Helen moaned. Her body was on fire. When Nikki touched her, kissed her like this, she just seemed to lose control of herself, of her senses.

Karen's voice once again filled her head. "Could you imagine the girls reactions on g-wing if they found out what happened, well almost happened tonight?" Helen let out a scared gasp and pushed Nikki away. Burying her head in her hands she wanted nothing more than to be told everything was going to be okay, even though she knew it wouldn't be. She looked up at Nikki and tears filled her eyes.

Nikki wrapped her arms tightly around her and gently stroked her hair. "Hey, what's the matter darling?" she whispered.

Looking into Nikki's eyes, it took all of Helen's strength not to fall apart right there. "Nothing," Helen gulped and rubbed her eyes. "I'm just exhausted from everything. This bloody job. Fenner being a complete bastard to me whenever he gets the chance. I've just had enough of it all, and, I'm not sleeping at all lately," She hated lying.

Nikki's lips met Helen's forehead and softly kissed it. "I'm sorry everything is shit."

Helen hugged her tighter.

"I dreamt about you last night Helen. About what our life will be like together once I get out of this shit hole. The thought of spending every day and night with you is the only thing that keeps me going. If I were to lose you..."

Helen raised her finger to Nikki's lips. "You're never going to lose me," she whispered, but even as the words escaped her lips, in the back of her mind Helen felt like she was betraying her. She was telling the truth. Yes, she never intended on losing Nikki, but if what happened with Karen last night was ever known to Nikki, there would be one hell of a shit storm and she doubted Nikki would ever trust her again. The circle of truth and consequence had once again reared it's ugly head. Helen pressed her face against Nikki's chest. "One day that dream will come true," she said softly.

Nikki sighed. "I can't believe I have you. This just seems so surreal."

Helen reached up and pressed her finger on Nikki's nose playfully. "You do have me. My heart belongs to you, Nicola Wade. Now, you'd better get back to the wing before someone realizes you've been gone for a while."

Nikki pulled Helen in closer for a kiss, not wanting to go so soon. "I'll see you later, yeah?" she smiled hopefully.

Helen raised her eyebrows and grinned in the cute way Nikki always loved - with her tongue filling in the gap between her top and bottom teeth, almost like she was about to poke it out. "I'll come by after lock-up and tuck you in."

***

The wing was abuzz with activity. The clink of the pool balls making contact with each other and sinking into the side pockets filled in the gaps of silence between the small groups of girls having their daily social chats.

"Stupid bloody sodding screws!" Nikki overheard Julie Saunders say as she approached one of the tables.

"What have I missed?" she asked, taking the empty seat next to her.

Julie S. glared at her over the top of her glasses. "The usual. Bloody Hollamby thinking I'm the bleeding cleaning lady at the screws beck and call," she sighed angrily. "So, ere, where you been Nik? Haven't seen you all morning. Thought you might have made a runner?"

Nikki laughed at the thought. "Not bloody likely. You know me. Just down the library, doing some reading."

Julie S. smirked. "Any there left you aint read yet?"

Nikki smiled. "A few, though I may go and see the Gov later and ask if we can get some more in." Secretly thinking to herself it would be another chance for her to see Helen again.

"Well, there's Miss Stewart now, why don't you ask her?" Julie S. nudged her, pointing.

Nikki gazed beyond the gates of g-wing and into the Officer's room, where all the P.O's gathered for meetings and their tea breaks. Helen was standing just near the open doorway, talking to Karen Betts. The two were standing quite close together. "Probably discussing P.O duties or Gov to Gov things?" Nikki thought. That was until she saw something that any normal onlooker would probably dismiss off-hand. Karen had leaned in toward Helen and had touched her arm and Helen had jumped backward, fast, like something had bitten her. The two women now looked like they were arguing. What was going on? If only Nikki could hear what the two were saying?

"Sorry Helen.. I," Karen stuttered. "I.. didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable?" She breathed heavily, taken slightly aback at Helen's reaction. She looked questioningly at her, whispering. "Does this have anything to do with last night?"

"Karen," Helen's face hardened as she quickly looked around to see if others were about before she continued. "This isn't the appropriate place to talk about it, and, quite frankly I'd appreciate it if we didn't discuss any of my personal life while we're at work!"

Karen looked stunned. Helen had never spoken to her in that tone before. "Helen, are you okay?" she asked.

Helen threw her hands up in frustration. "I'm bloody fine! I just wish people would stop asking me that!"

Karen took a step backward. She'd never seen Helen behave like this and wasn't sure what else she would do if she tried to push the conversation further. "Okay," Karen swallowed. I'm going to let you cool off and I'll talk to you later." With that, Karen walked out of the office and made a b-line for the gates of g-wing, grappling with her keys before unlocking them, sliding them open and then securely closing them behind her again.

Back in the office, Helen tried to calm herself down. "Stupid!" she muttered under her breath angrily. She knew she shouldn't have been short with Karen. "Just breathe...breathe," she thought to herself. Later on she would talk to Karen again and apologize for being a right arse to her. She'd blame it on PMS or job stress or something? She'd overreacted. All Karen was doing was being a friend and talking. Touching Helen on the arm hadn't been an intimate gesture and she knew that. It's just, everything was a little more awkward now. That's how she felt anyway. Helen buried her face in her hands for a few seconds before sliding them up and running her fingers through her hair. She needed to get a grip on herself, no, what she needed, she knew, was to tell Nikki everything that happened so she could clear her conscience and not feel so damned guilty. The only problem with that though was she knew the exact way Nikki would react, how upset, no, how angry she would be. A knot tightened in Helen's stomach. It was a lose-lose situation. If she didn't tell Nikki she'd be wracked with guilt, and keeping it all inside could cause her to lash out like she just did with Karen, and push everyone away so they don't find out her secret, or, in the least it would put a strain on all of the relationships she had with people, but, if she did tell Nikki then she knew there was a very high possibility that she could lose her, and above all, that scared her the most.

Nikki had been intently staring at Helen since Karen left the office after what seemed to her like a spat. Something wasn't right, she could feel it, but she couldn't exactly go up to Helen or even Miss Betts and ask them what they had been discussing. Her mind raced as she ran through what she saw in her head, over and over. The body language from both women couldn't possibly indicate what Nikki thought?

"Ere. Nik," Julie S. interrupted her increasingly suspicious thoughts. "You going to ask her or just daydream all day then?"

"Uh," Nikki mumbled. "Erm, not now, maybe later." Nikki got up from her chair and tucked it back under the table. "I'll catch up with you later alright?" she said over her shoulder as she made her way back to her cell so she could think where there wasn't so much noise to distract her.

Laying on her bed, her hands clasped behind her head, Nikki ran the scenes through her mind again and again. "Why would Helen jump back like that? Something had happened. Something between Miss Betts and Helen." Nikki thought, but then, Helen wouldn't do anything like that to her. She tried to rationalize things now. She didn't want to jump to any conclusions. She had to talk to Helen or else she'd drive herself crazy trying to figure it all out. There were still countless hours until lock-up, and, even though it was killing her, Nikki decided that it would be best if she waited until then to talk to Helen, when it was just the two of them, alone, no interruptions.

Even with the limited light that shone through from her tiny window, Nikki knew it was getting darker outside. Time had flown by quicker than she imagined it would. Now all she had to do was wait for Helen to come by like she promised earlier. After another 30 minutes passed, Nikki heard the familiar clank of her cell door unbolting. The door opened slowly and light from the wing filtered through for a few seconds before the door was quietly pushed closed again. Laying underneath her covers with her eyes closed, Nikki pretended to be asleep. She felt the mattress beneath her suddenly sink and warm fingers were caressing her face.

"Sweetheart," she heard Helen whisper, and slowly opened her eyes to see Helen's smiling face looking down adoringly upon her.

"Hey," Nikki whispered back.

Helen ran her fingers slowly through Nikki's hair. "Did I wake you?"

Nikki shook her head. "No, I was just resting my eyes, waiting for you."

Helen was still smiling. "I told you I'd be back," She leaned in to kiss Nikki but Nikki moved away and pulled herself up into a sitting position on the bed. Helen looked at her, confused. "What's wrong?"

Nikki looked Helen in the eyes and it took her a few seconds to find her voice. "Helen, I need to ask you something?" Her stomach a jumble of butterflies. "I saw you with Karen Betts in the office today," she started.

Fear flashed behind Helen's eyes and it had not gone unnoticed by Nikki. Helen suddenly felt physically ill.

Nikki was quick to anger. "Bloody hell!" she yelled. "That answers the question I had then."

Helen swallowed hard. She'd been caught off guard and was lost for words. Unfortunately for her though, Nikki was not.

"Was she a good shag?"

Helen's face dropped, surprised. "What?"

Nikki moved her face in closer to Helen's and this time repeated the words, slower. "Was - she - a - good - shag?"

"Nikki, don't be like that."

Helen moved to grab Nikki's hand but Nikki pushed it away hard with disgust. The anger within her rising.

"Don't be like what? The jealous bloody girlfriend? I think I've earned that right darling don't you?"

Helen looked desperate. "Nothing happened, I promise," she said.

Nikki lifted her hand in the air and pointed her finger at Helen accusingly. "Don't. Just don't lie to me!" she yelled, trying to hold back tears. "I saw you pull away from her when she went to touch you. That's not a normal reaction when a work mate touches your arm innocently, Helen. Don't shitting deny nothing happened between you! I can see it by the look on your face."

"Nikki," Helen spoke softly. "Just calm down. Please."

Nikki snapped, her eyes on fire with rage. "Calm down? I've just discovered my girlfriend's cheating on me and you expect me to calm down?"

Nikki's bad temper was now wearing off on Helen. "Damn it! Nikki. Will you just listen to me?"

"Why?" Nikki answered her snidely. "So you can keep denying everything and tell me that what I saw was in my imagination? Helen. This is complete bullshit! I loved you. I trusted you with my heart and would have done anything for you. Anything. Then you go and turn around and shit on me like this!"

Helen stood up. Frustrated, she headed for the door. "I can't talk to you when you're like this."

"Oh, that's right. Get up and walk away. That's what you do best!" Nikki knew she would hit a nerve.

Helen turned around and glared at Nikki. If looks could kill, Nikki knew she wouldn't be breathing right now. Turning back just as quickly, Helen opened the door, walked out, and slammed it behind her.

Nikki pounded her hands into her pillow. "Shitting, shit, shit, shit!" she growled.

***

Back in her office, Helen sat behind her desk, riffling through paperwork, trying to forget the confrontation she'd had only minutes earlier with Nikki. This however, proved very hard to do. She loved Nikki so much, but, Nikki had the ability to make her so angry that she wished she'd never laid eyes on her in the first place.

There was a light tapping on the office door. Helen looked up to see Karen's head peering in. She smiled and raised her hands in the air while she entered. "I surrender, and I'm completely unarmed," she smirked. "Forgive and forget whatever the hell happened today?" she asked hopefully.

Helen looked defeated but managed a warming smile. "Karen, I've been meaning to find you and apologize all day. I was being stupid, and I'm sorry."

Karen pulled up a seat opposite Helen at the other side of her desk. "Apology accepted," she smiled, and flipped out her packet of cigarettes, offering them to Helen.

Helen waved them off. "No thanks. I've felt like I've breathed in enough crap for today."

Karen leant back in the chair, flicked her lighter, igniting the cigarette and inhaled slowly, savoring every moment before blowing the smoke back out. "Rough day?"

"That would be an understatement."

"That bad?" Karen asked, and took another drag on her cigarette, the smoke wafting through the air. "Want to talk about it?" she shifted her chair closer to the desk. "I'm a good listener."

Helen hesitated. "I suppose I've got nothing to lose now," she muttered. "But, first of all I need you to promise to make no judgments."

Karen grinned and mockingly raised two fingers in the air. "Girl scouts honor."

"Karen. I'm dead serious," Helen said, her face hard.

"Okay, okay. No judgments, I promise."

Helen sunk into her chair, trying to get more comfortable, cleared her throat and started. "Last night, I told you I was in a relationship with someone. A woman."

Karen nodded.

"What I didn't tell you is who this woman is...was," she faltered, looking down at the floor before bringing her gaze back up and looking at Karen directly. "This is the part where you don't judge, okay?" Helen looked for acknowledgment on Karen's face before she continued. She found the words increasingly hard to form. "The woman I was in a relationship with, was Nikki Wade." Helen watched as Karen's jaw dropped in shock, but she sat there, saying nothing, waiting for Helen to continue on. "It began quite innocently as comfort, but, as time went on I couldn't deny I was getting caught up in all these new emotions stirring inside of me, and, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't turn them off. I love her Karen." Tears rolled down her cheeks and she wiped them away angrily. "But, it's all over now, and it's because of me," she paused. "And you. And what went on between us last night."

Karen sat there. Silent. Still taken aback by what she had just heard.

"Are you going to say anything?" Helen sniffled.

Karen felt like she'd lost the ability to speak. A quick "Shit Helen," was all that she had managed to put together.

Helen grabbed at her hair and pulled on it in frustration. "God. I'm so stupid! I've lost everything now."

Karen finally found her voice and spoke up. "Helen. I'm not going to report you to Home Office if that's what you're worried about?" she told her, reassuringly.

"You're not?"

Karen shook her head. "I bloody well should, but I wont. Although I don't agree with what you've been doing, with your relationship with Nikki, it's obvious that it was a mutual thing. You weren't taking advantage of her. I can see from the way you speak of her, how much you love her. So, I will support you, however you need it."

Helen looked away, tears filling her eyes again, half in relief and half in sadness. "It doesn't matter now, it's over. She doesn't trust me anymore."

Karen leaned over the table and placed her hand over Helen's. "You risked your career for this woman Helen. You can't give up on her without a fight."

Helen gave Karen a puzzled look. "Why do you care so much?"

Karen smiled and squeezed her hand. "Because you're my friend and you deserve to be happy, and, when you talk about her your eyes light up."

"But, I've ruined everything."

"Don't worry Helen," Karen said confidently. "We'll fix it. I've got a plan."

***

The bolt on Nikki's cell door made it's usual loud clang, and although she should have been used to it by now, it awoke her with a start. Nikki's eyes were red and swollen from crying all night. She didn't want to move.

Karen Betts stood - almost militant - at the door of Nikki's cell. "Let's go Nikki," she said loudly.

"Sod off," Nikki mumbled.

Karen walked over to Nikki's bed and threw her blankets off. "I said let's go! Up, shower, breakfast. You know the routine. Don't make me put you on report!"

Nikki glared at her. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Excuse me?"

Nikki sat up. There was so much anger inside her right now, and, part of it was because of this woman standing in front of her. "Are you deaf?" Nikki hissed.

"You're pushing it Nikki. Don't make me put you on Rule 47."

"Disrespecting the Wing Governor," Nikki snorted. "Listen sweetheart, I don't give a damn about your sodding rules. Put me on report."

Karen was starting to lose patience. She grabbed Nikki by the arm and yanked her off the bed. The two were now face to face and so close they could feel the others breath on their skin.

"Man-handling cons now? I'm sure those at the top would like to hear about this?"

Karen gave a wry smile. "From what I hear, you're no longer in the number one's good books, so, I doubt she'd even listen to what you have to say?"

Fire rose in the pit of Nikki's stomach. She leaned in close to Karen and whispered. "So, tell me. What does it feel like? Getting off with the Governing Governor."

Karen looked directly into Nikki's eyes. She was about to detonate the bomb that was inside Nikki. She smiled calmly and replied. "The next time we get together I'll record sound for you, so you can hear her moan my name."

"You bitch!" Nikki pushed her against the wall and began to pound her with her fists.

Karen grabbed at Nikki's arms and swiftly turned them up behind Nikki's back, subduing her. "Right. You're going down the block," she pushed Nikki out the door, angrily.

***

Solitary, or 'The Block' as it was known, was a cold, dank and dark place. You had no privileges there. You didn't have anything, that was the point. It was the punishment block. The place where the screws tried to break you. Karen pushed Nikki down the silent and empty hallway, then, stopping in front of one of the cells, she shoved Nikki though the open door and Nikki hit the ground, hard.

"Bitch!" Nikki yelled at her, scrambling to her feet and lunging at her. Unfortunately, Karen was too quick for her and the cell door had already shut, so Nikki slammed right into it. Sliding down the door, defeated, Nikki burst into tears. She felt broken. After a good couple of minutes, Nikki thought she had no more tears left to give. From behind her she heard a slight shuffling noise and slowly turned to see Helen, in the corner, she'd been watching her and her face looked as tear stained as Nikki's.

"Helen?" Nikki looked at her, confused. "What are you doing here?"

Helen spoke softly. "I needed to talk to you Nikki. To explain things, and this seemed like the only way to get you to listen."

Nikki looked at Helen in disbelief. "So this was all a set-up? That bitch Betts baited me so I'd get thrown down here?"

Helen nodded. "I knew if I tried to talk to you again you wouldn't listen. You're too bloody stubborn for your own good."

Nikki half smiled. She knew it.

"So," Helen continued. "I told Karen everything. About us. Our relationship, and, how I'd stupidly jeopardized the happiness and trust we had. I felt like I'd lost you over one night's lonely drunken kiss. A kiss I wish never happened." Tears fell freely down her face and she didn't bother wiping them away.

Nikki's heart ached seeing Helen like this. Slowly, she picked herself up off the floor, walked over to Helen, and with her hand, softly brushed away the tears that were further staining Helen's beautiful face. "It was just a kiss, nothing more?" Nikki asked.

Helen nodded. "I swear, on my life. It was just a stupid kiss. I wouldn't go any further, I couldn't do that to you. I love you too much."

Nikki stroked Helen's silky brown hair & planted a kiss on her temple. "I believe you and I'm sorry I was such a shit and didn't listen to what you had to say. It's just, you're all I have Helen, and when I saw that guilty look on your face it felt like my whole world had just crumbled down around me. The thought that I'd lost you to someone else scared the shit out of me. It's so hard being banged up here away from you."

"You don't think it's hard for me every day? Walking away from this place and leaving you behind these walls? It's bloody hard. Which is why we have to work on your appeal, so one day I won't be walking out of here alone. You'll be walking by my side."

"It's a nice thought but I want a reality."

Helen hugged Nikki tight. "We're going to make it a reality sweetheart, believe me."

/fin